Posts, but I decided I wanted a fresh start. Most of them were negative thoughts and I just was tired of looking at them. I left my very first post alone because it's the only one I actually thought was significant, considering most things in it are still true.
There's a lot to say, but I don't have the patience for it at the moment so, this is all for now.
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Thursday, June 16, 2011
First...
I made this blog for no one but myself. I've started to realize that within the past few months I have no where to go and be completely open. Every online site I'm a part of, I have people that read my things religiously and I've decided I need some privacy to share things that I can't bare to share with others right now. If you happen to come across this, feel free to follow if you'd like. Otherwise, here's my little online journal of venting-ness.
I just graduated high school so, I'm at that part of my life where big decisions need to be made and thought about. I'm thinking about a lot, taking so much in. I have this issue with wanting to make everyone happy and proud even though I know, logically, that isn't possible. I want everyone to be happy with me. I don't want to disappoint the ones I love. Meanwhile, I end up hurting myself. Hurting my soul and mind with every thought of "Is this the right decision?". I truly don't know what's right or wrong anymore. What is the best decision for me? What will give me, my (future) husband, and my children the best possible life. I don't know. Part of me just says "Do what makes you happy, Memer....Fuck everyone else." One of my all time favorite quotes is "Do what you love and fuck the rest." That's how my heart feels but, not my mind. My mind sings a different note. It tells me to do what will provide a good life for my future family, regardless of how happy I am with it or not. My whole life has been based on making sure others were happy and okay. I've always cared more about other's then myself and I always will, it is a part of me as a person. I would rather suffer in silence and have everyone around me happy then I myself be happy and disappoint everyone in some way. In the next few weeks I need to figure things out as far as my next step in schooling. I know I want to do phlebotomy for sure but, I need to figure out where I'm going to go and when I should start. That's my first step. That much I know. I still feel the pressure from everyone though. I feel like whatever I do will never be good enough. They tell me it's enough and that I should do what makes me happy. They say they support me but, I feel the pressure regardless. I feel whatever emotions or thoughts they aren't expressing or saying. It pours down on me like a ton of bricks going 80 mph. The question is, can I handle the impact of whatever choices I make?
I just graduated high school so, I'm at that part of my life where big decisions need to be made and thought about. I'm thinking about a lot, taking so much in. I have this issue with wanting to make everyone happy and proud even though I know, logically, that isn't possible. I want everyone to be happy with me. I don't want to disappoint the ones I love. Meanwhile, I end up hurting myself. Hurting my soul and mind with every thought of "Is this the right decision?". I truly don't know what's right or wrong anymore. What is the best decision for me? What will give me, my (future) husband, and my children the best possible life. I don't know. Part of me just says "Do what makes you happy, Memer....Fuck everyone else." One of my all time favorite quotes is "Do what you love and fuck the rest." That's how my heart feels but, not my mind. My mind sings a different note. It tells me to do what will provide a good life for my future family, regardless of how happy I am with it or not. My whole life has been based on making sure others were happy and okay. I've always cared more about other's then myself and I always will, it is a part of me as a person. I would rather suffer in silence and have everyone around me happy then I myself be happy and disappoint everyone in some way. In the next few weeks I need to figure things out as far as my next step in schooling. I know I want to do phlebotomy for sure but, I need to figure out where I'm going to go and when I should start. That's my first step. That much I know. I still feel the pressure from everyone though. I feel like whatever I do will never be good enough. They tell me it's enough and that I should do what makes me happy. They say they support me but, I feel the pressure regardless. I feel whatever emotions or thoughts they aren't expressing or saying. It pours down on me like a ton of bricks going 80 mph. The question is, can I handle the impact of whatever choices I make?
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